People make such a fuss of being “old”. Movies and the mostly fake world they portray have made society in general want to look young, beautiful and thin- if you are a woman, that is. I have never been able to understand why you are not supposed to ask a lady her age. But then I guess I have never been much of a “lady” either!
There is something to be said for growing older. I don’t mean the wise old sage that is sated with wisdom. I am talking about where you are just old enough to have learnt some stuff, but young enough to be able to apply them next time around.
Although I will sometimes wistfully think of my pre-baby body, or generally just a body that healed quicker after it tumbled off a horse and made contact with the ground, I am not overly dissatisfied with what I have. I have made peace with the extra rolls, and bits of skin that were never there before and creases in skin that can no longer be smoothed away. I have made peace with the occasional aches and pains – I mean, by stone-age standards, I would be at the end of my life right now!
I enjoy meeting new people and finding out whether they have their own opinions, or whether they have just plagiarised it from somewhere on the internet without having given it too much thought. It makes me sad that there are people much older than me, who are simply trying to put up a facade for the world and still don’t know who they truly are. But once in a while, one happens upon a youngster who seems to have it all sussed already. And I have to say, I am just a little jealous of them! As a generally insecure person, it would have been nice to know sooner that others’ opinions are just that. Opinions. And more often than not, people are not aware enough to have their own opinions anyway and will simply repeat whatever they heard someone else express. My many years of sitting on the sidelines observing, are starting to pay off.
Some things have changed, some things will never change. I still have this affliction called “horse-madness“. This inexplicable drive or draw towards anything and everything equine. And sadly, there is no known cure….Right now, I am still very much horseless. But I am desperate not to be!
You know at some stage in your teenage years, you would “fall in love” with anything because you were so desperate to have someone who cared “just for you”. This is where I am at right now – only, it’s not about a boy, it’s about a horse. I do not currently have my own horse. That is not to say I am not riding. I am very much still riding. Which is part of the problem really. I have learned of the term of “heart horse”. It is hard to describe, but it is basically a horse that you connect with on a “soul level”, if you are inclined to believe this sort of thing. And I have come across one of these – at least I think I have. But right now, I am so desperate for that connection (that really inexplicable connection that we horsey people just can’t explain to our non-horsey friends and family) that I am liable to make utterly irresponsible decisions based on feelings that may or may not be imaginary.
I have ridden many a horse in my life, and there is always that one ride, just as you are about to give up, that reminds you why you work so hard. Everything just works! There is no arguing, no tenseness; things just fall into place and instead of being horse and rider, your are the centaur! Two minds and two bodies work in complete sync and everything you have been trying to achieve for weeks, months, or even years, just work! But now, you see, there is this horse. That I love. We have a connection on a different level. Every ride is like becoming one, thinking as one, working as one…centaur! Either that, or I have just become so used to riding really difficult horses that I just don’t know what riding a schooled horse should feel like? But the great thing is that I am self-aware enough to have figured this out all on my little own. (Let me just stop to pat myself on the back there!)
But I like the fact that in general, I know who I am. I have introspected enough over the years, after all. I mostly know what I want, and am aware enough to know that what I want is not necessarily what I need. This doesn’t stop me from trying to have my cake and eat it! But I enjoy the awareness I have of my own thoughts, my body and how the world mostly works. Sometimes I still find it excruciating that there are some “why’s” that I cannot figure out. No matter how hard I try, the rhyme and reason of things still elude me. But I do like that I have experienced enough to know, that even when things don’t make sense, they will ultimately end, and it won’t matter why they happened or didn’t happen.
So, for now, I shall sit back, wait and see whether this is one more soul that I will forever love quietly, or whether it is just a passing sense of desperation…