I haven’t written in a while. I haven’t had much to say. Since mid-March I have been hit with a number of bad migraines that have kept me bedridden for days at a time and in a vile mood for the remainder. There is nothing like constant pain to increase irritability and twist an already lingering depression into an outright suicidal state of mind. Add to that the fact that my lease-horse has been returned to his former state of pasture-ornament rendering me horseless yet again, and you have a downright disaster on your hands.
I did have a temporary stint of insanity where I thought I would just go out and buy myself a new horse, but sensibility prevailed for the time being (we all know it is just a matter of time before I lose control, but I am clinging on for now!) and I have used the time to try and get my health back on track.
So the psychiatrist and I have been experimenting with some other forms of happy-pills and I went to see a neurologist about the pesky brain-pain. The happy-pill-experiment went horribly wrong before it even got off the ground as I had an unlikely bad reaction to drugs that hundreds of people around the world take every day and are perfectly happy on. Not me. I went crazy. Really. Totally. Batshit. I went from a fairly focused, organised person to someone with severe ADD, early-onset Alzeimers and (not related) a head intent on imploding! When I wasn’t walking around with a vacant stare wondering what I had just done, I was hanging onto the toilet bowl violently vomiting.
It turns out there is noting seriously wrong. I am both relieved and annoyed about that. No-one feels sorry for or understanding about “headaches.” Not like they would about a brain tumour, say… This in no means infers that I wish I had a brain tumour – I just mean that if you can’t put a name to what is wrong with you, people tend to think you are making it up. It’s annoying. It’s infuriating!
So here we are, after a whole battery of tests and much money later, with no clear answers and a list of prescribed drugs so long it makes me think that a cocaine habit may have been kinder to my budget and easier to explain!
And then there was that little thing in the neurologist’s office…After asking whether I had fallen on my head and had concussion more than 10 times (to which I answered: Probably, at least that many times.” (Thinking to myself that I have been riding horses for more than 30 years, how am I supposed to remember every fall and every concussion?) he looked at me and said: “So now you don’t ride anymore?” The question didn’t compute. It still doesn’t…