Still mourning…

BB en ek 3It is a lovely autumn day outside. The pale winter sun is beaming down and the birds are enjoying their last reprieve before winter comes. I should be outside riding. But instead I am sitting here, eating the very rarely-found (in my house at least!) left-over Easter eggs, drinking coffee and wishing the friendly sun would go away and bring on the winter rains to match my state of mind.

As I said, I should be riding. Would have been too. Was dressed and got to the farm to find that the horses I ride had been let out. The half-hour walk in the fresh air to catch them would probably have done me good, but instead I just turned around and went home, tears streaming uncontrollably down my face, all the way home. The last straw just broke the camel’s back. This is not my place. These are not my horses. I no longer have a horse. Every time it hits me, it breaks my heart anew.

There are still many good things in my life. I am not unaware and I am not ungrateful. They fail to fill the void. I have never found completeness without a horse, and suspect I never will. I am broken, empty and goalless. Most of all, I am sad. I have been counselling others to be patient and work slowly through feelings of guilt and sorrow, but seemingly, have not afforded myself the same. Instead, I got straight back on the horse, as it were, and did not allow myself the time to heal. So, here I find myself – still in mourning, with no-one to turn to, nowhere to go, just lying miserably in my puddle of sorrow… MFC_SAT_AN_055

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2 Responses to Still mourning…

  1. Pingback: The lead curtain | Me, my life and I

  2. Pingback: What Now? | Me, my life and I

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