I have neglected this blog for a while. I like to keep the blogging light, even attempting to make people laugh. But then I thought: this blog is after all, about life. These last few months in my life have certainly not been funny and most of the time not even much fun. I have been dealing with what started as a minor existential crisis and has now escalated into a major, albeit premature, midlife crisis! Which has lead me to question how much we are truly in control of where life takes us or of what life throws at us, and if there is even a lesson to be learnt from it all?
As an example: just this morning, I had to rush back from riding because there was a threatening thunderstorm and I have a dog who is terrified of loud noises like thunder and firecrackers. I could have chosen to keep riding of course, but then I would have had to face the guilt if anything had happened to said dog. So the choice is: “no choice but to go home.” Needless to say, apart from a few wet drops, there were no thunder claps and I rushed home for nothing, and am now just seething with frustration because of my unfinished ride.
I really needed that ride this morning. I needed to clear my head and have a good, long, hard think about this horse-business. I hate it when people say: “things will work out for the best” or “things happen for a reason, you’ll see!”. Because honestly, I can’t see it. Even retrospectively, I just don’t see why some things happen!
The thing is: since I can remember, there is nothing I have wanted more than to ride horses, work with horses, be around horses. And to a large extent, I have been lucky and have been able to do that. But I never seem to really, truly get anywhere. As soon as I lift my left foot toward the stirrup, life kicks the mounting block from under me and I’m left sitting in the dust. Again and again and again. And honestly, I’m tired of sitting in the dust for no reason that I can understand. It’s not that I am not willing to do the hard work, it’s not that I’m not willing to learn. But stuff just keep on happening!
My first horse died only months after we had finally figured each other out, just as we were peaking in competition. The next one was continually lame. She retired early and is a pretty paddock ornament on my parents’ small-holding. The third one, I sold due to very similar circumstances I am in at the moment (and that story is a whole book chapter full of mistakes which I don’t care to make again!).
The current riding horse, has also been lame on and off for years. Just as we taste the slightest of achievements, there is a setback of some sort. It wouldn’t have been so bad, if I didn’t want it so much! I have had to fight tooth and nail, work blood, sweat and tears for every single horse-related privilege I have ever had. I’m just really tired of running into walls. I just want something good to show for it for a change!
Is there a lesson in here for me? Sometimes I wish I could know what people say about my riding behind my back. Not because I need affirmation or condemnation of what I’m doing, but just so I know if I’m wasting my time or not. Because it sometimes certainly feels like I am! I mean, if the general opinion is: “Ag shame, she is so determined, but really not very talented.”, I would just like to know – I am sure there is another hobby I could be better at if I spent the same amount of energy and time on it as I do riding!
Yes, at the moment, I feel like a failure. I am feeling intensely sorry for myself, so if life/the universe/fate/ God is trying to tell me something, it would be much easier on everyone involved if the message could just be spelt out. If there is indeed a lesson to be learnt here, I would like to just learn the lesson now and move on….