A sign to that effect was placed around Sandra Bullock’s character’s neck in the movie: “28 Days”. I can relate to that. Most of the time I don’t even think of asking for help anyway, but even when it is offered, I very rarely accept. It’s not that I don’t want it, it’s just that…well, I want to do it myself…
Somewhere in my formative years, a notion got stuck that if I can’t do something by myself, it somehow doesn’t “count”. I don’t know where it started, but since I can remember, I have firmly believed that. It’s hard to explain to people because I don’t even fully understand it myself.
There has been a recurring theme in my life lately. People keep telling me that I am being too hard on myself, that I am taking myself and life too seriously. I take heed. I understand, but I don’t know how to “fix” it. How do I change 39 years’ worth of thinking?
Very closely linked to this, is this eternal fear of losing control. I have to be in control of every situation. This leads to loads and loads of unnecessary angst about things that I can and cannot control. It’s silly, I know. It’s stupid and it doesn’t have to be like that. But it is…so once again, this is a thought pattern that has been so deeply ingrained that I simply don’t know of a different way of thinking and doing.
And the really laughable thing is, I have yet to try and find a “method” to work through this that I don’t get so absolutely obsessed about that I get totally anxious about it.
It really sucks the “joy” out of life. It makes life hard. Really fucking HARD! It makes doing “silly” things impossible and doing things just for the sake of doing them because I enjoy them, just about impossible.
All of society tells you to be driven and have a goal and a purpose and give everything to reach your goal. Just thinking that exhausts me!
More than half the people I know are on anti-depressant medication. Surely that can’t be right? Surely that is a symptom of a sick society? If the way we are living is not meeting our basic emotional needs and leaves us drained, without joy and enjoyment, that can’t be right?
More than a year ago a dear friend told me to not worry so much about the fact that I am in “limbo”, that it may actually be a good place to be and I shouldn’t rush forward out of it, but rather ride out the wave of “not knowing”. It’s good advice and I haven’t forgotten it, I just haven’t figured out how to do it!
I have been forced to ask for help over the last year. It has been a startling experience to say the least!
It would seem…that if you do ask, people are actually more than willing to help! I know…a real revelation…it only took me 39 years…